Why should I trust you?
What do YOU get out of this?
Are you a loser like me?
Or are you a "rescuer?”
Why would you want to deal with me?
I do not trust you if you care.
I don't trust myself...
Moral Injury...the betrayal of what is right by someone who holds legitimate authority in a high stakes situation over another.¹ It is the enduring impact of doing harm, failing to protect, or bearing witness to an act of violence, depravity or evil upon another that goes against one's own deeply held beliefs and values.
Jonathan Shay was a gifted psychiatrist who worked with Veteran survivors of war. He coined the term moral injury: those who suffered PTSD, and had done harm inadvertently or consciously because of the confusing, traumatizing hell of combat. The post-traumatic stress disorder, Dr. Shay explained, is the primary injury, the uncomplicated injury. Moral injury is the infection.²
It is often the story of many a survivor who has been groomed, tricked, or trafficked by someone they depended on to do harm to another because of religion, family loyalty, "love," or sadistic cruelty.
This is a moral injury of the heart, body and mind, hemorrhaging the soul of its essence. If it is a part of your story, it may be difficult at first to calculate how deeply you have been affected, not just the confusing memory of what you did or had to do, but how it impacts your relationships and the sense of who you are now.
If you witnessed another's abuse but were shamed to secrecy to survive or protect, you may take the blame that you did not intervene. The vicarious complicity of shielding the perpetrator because of ignorance, loyalty, or fear can transfer the weight of the abuse from the perpetrator to you, because you could not or did not stop it.
Blame is a significant part of moral injury. Someone must be blamed for the loss that you or others suffered because of your participation or presence. He’s to blame, they’re to blame, it’s to blame. But certainly, I'm to blame. You may have believed this for so long that you are unable to assign the true blame to the one who put you up to it. The hardest piece of this is a toxic unrelenting shame, the belief that you are forever flawed, unworthy of love or forgiveness. It is also why many survivors reenact their own abuse by repeating the conditions of the harm done to them upon themselves again and again.
Perhaps you deny yourself what would bring you joy or repair. You may even forego opportunities for respite or safety that could offer a possibility to heal. You may have no sense of how to be intimate without fear of harming another, even your own children.
But if you cannot find your creativity or hope, or you expect to be humiliated or exploited—if you simply resort to isolation, could it also be the result of the perpetrator's own sick self-contempt thrust upon you?
Can you remember who you were before this betrayal? Can you garner some understanding for yourself in the face of all you have been through?
You may roll your eyes if I recommend that you have compassion for yourself. But you might start by at least having some respect for the struggle of the younger you that you see behind your eyes when you look in the mirror. Remember all you went through then to survive when you had far fewer tools than you have today?
You might consider finding a trusted friend who takes you as you are, perhaps a sweet pet who loves you unconditionally, and good therapy that can move you forward. There is a way to trust again safely and honestly and find a way to break free.
It will also go a long way to have a community of survivors who really see you in your full self and don't patronize you. You need people that let you grieve for the harm done without offering platitudes, because they have been there themselves. Kindness like this is what you so readily give to others. Community can help you tenderly touch the part that struggles to forgive yourself, as you restore your heart.
There is a way back. The brain and the soul have a remarkable ability to heal and recover a connection to your heart. And besides, that tender heart of yours is still very much intact, or you would not be reading this...taking back yourself.
¹Achilles in Vietnam, Combat Trauma and the Undoing of Character. Jonathan Shay, 1995.
²Ibid.