Out of a great need
we are all holding hands
and climbing.
Not loving is a letting go.
Listen
the terrain around here
is far too dangerous for that.
-Hafiz
Rage and the Tenderness of Life
I do not know any survivor who has not embodied rage at some point in their life:
stuck in both powerlessness and primitive violent feelings, emotions more primal than
anger--beneath words, beyond words.
Violation, betrayal, and invisibility can generate a true resolve to change. It can
in fact create a movement. But for many, the response to the injustice and grief of
trauma is twofold. One may seethe in a loop of fury and pain without knowing how or
what to do. On the other hand, the most natural instinctive biological response to pain
is simply to endure the worst until it ends. For some, retreating in fear and overwhelm
just to feel safe is the only known method of survival.
But sometimes the force of suffering creates a numbing malaise, or an even
greater depressive spiral downward into despair. This inward turn can mimic the
original perpetrator's induction into a path of self-destruction.
We rarely want to discuss this particular response to the rage or the suffering out
loud--that push to harm oneself or to self-destruct. And we hesitate to mention the
ultimate action: suicide. But, if we want to truly address rage in its many
manifestations, certainly its darkest side, we also must look at what is most difficult,
perhaps most dangerous. We do not do this lightly or alone. It is part of the deep
journey of recovery, as we come to embrace a true alternative to darkness: living life,
tenderly and fiercely, in whatever truth we are.
I think of Maya Angelou, herself a survivor of sexual abuse, who spoke with such
fire in a conversation with Dave Chapelle:
If you are not angry, you're either a stone or you're too sick to be angry. You should be angry.
You must not be bitter. It eats upon the host. It does not do anything to the object of the
displeasure. So use that anger, yes...You write it. You paint it. You dance it. You march it. You
vote it. You do everything about it. You talk it. Never stop talking it. 1
As survivors, it is not always safe to speak out, but there are times when we speak,
nevertheless. Yet, we must also listen to the deep courageous tender place inside, even when
the noise is loud, even with the pull of those same old bad impulses.
1 Maya Angelou in Conversation with Dave Chappelle, 2016
We cannot get through all this alone. Life is longing for itself, even in the darkest of
times. It is why you, I--all of us --need honest, powerful, and real community on this journey of
recovery, so we can remember to embrace this life--all of it.
This is one of the biggest challenges for a survivor: trusting the impulse for living that
would lead to a different alternative than what may have been given long ago: then, to listen
to the quiet friend inside our own breath, choosing this life; choosing connection and yes,
choosing love.