Sometimes, it is impossible to get out of the pit we are in. Stuck in a rut, stuck in a toxic relationship that repeats the same outcomes again and again, stuck in addictions--even ones one would never specifically name as addiction. It is not simply the obvious addictions to food or drugs or work or liquor or sex. We can't the brain to stop, but we use the same old obsessions to abate the pain we may be in. We can’t get out of our own way. And often, no number of affirmations or cognitive therapy can cut through what trauma has programmed into us, running like a broken record in our brain.
What some of us have had to do or use to survive provided some essential need of respite from the trauma of abuse. We were drawn like a magnet to whatever would bring some relief. The brain is programmed to the dopamine affect. However, the drugs or work or food or sex went sideways into something harmful. Trauma is the seed of addiction. It is the injury that causes a split inside because of hurtful events whether catastrophic or ongoing over years.
Trauma fractures connection to ourselves and to the world around us. Trauma, especially early trauma, affects our body, our health, our emotions, our development. It can distort our view of the world and connection with others and ourselves in unspeakable ways.
It is easy to get stuck on any manner of substances or habits to seek relief from the excruciating experience of being in one's own skin.
The brain mechanism that would have created bonding, emotional closeness was highjacked long ago by extreme social and emotional distress, the trauma of neglect, betrayal--or abuse. And honestly, the profound experience of isolation and loneliness was perhaps more devastating than physical or sexual trauma --so it became a habit of living.
Addiction replaces the warm bath of love or connection that often was lost in the abuse or the neglect. The desperate attempt for relief of addiction is the result not the cause for the lack of love (Gabor Mate, The Myth of Normal, Trauma, Illness and Healing in a Toxic Culture: Penguin, Random House, 2022). The cold judgmental part became a default setting, repeating on the inside the lack of connection experienced early on. Even shame and self-contempt become the ecosystem and another addictive defense.
Addiction is a defense against suffering and a response to the injuries in an attempt to survive even if it kills you. Any trauma survivor who has struggled with addiction can identify what it fulfilled as an essential human need.
But what if we looked at this struggle today, not as a source of intractable bondage, but perhaps as a teacher? What if we meet the addiction without blame? That doesn't replace responsibility in the present. But what if we were asked about the pain that continues, the injuries of childhood, the intergenerational trauma, poverty or violence, or gender or racial oppression instead of demonizing the addiction? What if we could find respite in connection and safety in all of this even if we don't necessarily have the words to describe them, so we could heal and truly recover? It would mean getting to the root of the original pain with compassion and support.
You see, our brains are programmed to repetition and habit. Our bodies follow. And here is where being in deep recovery, we do our own brain surgery.
What if we listen to the feeling or the craving of addiction as a young part of the self that is trying to send a code for safe care. Imagine asking the young one what they really need, what they truly longed for in the first place. This is not to give the demon the driver's seat any more than we would give a child the wheel. We must bring in the distress, thoughts, impulses and dreams from the "demons' that hold us back to the space of recovery and the possibility of freedom with safe space and deep support.
The heart, not just the intellect, has its own nervous system. Consider letting it speak (Mate pg. 364).
Even when there are parts of ourselves in conflict with other parts, can we re-member some of what the child inside lacked with some compassion, or at least respect, for all they went through?
Do you have to love this self? Perhaps not yet. But consider what you have been through at all the ages you were. Then allow your heart to open to the wounded child instead of hating or ignoring them. You and I need to know we matter. It takes courage and support to do this. We cannot do it alone.
It is the most important step to freedom.
I don't have to love myself, do I? No, you don't--(not yet) You just have to love the kid inside ( Janina Fisher: Anatomy of Self Hatred: Learning to Love our Loathed Selves, Psychotherapy Networker).