The Edge
Our journey of recovery is undeniably an edge⎯an edge full of pain, peril and promise.
When our own bodies present illness or mortality, we reckon with our vulnerability. When our memories are overwhelming, we must grapple with the past as we grow into the present. Easier said than done.
When we lose people or animals or those we love because of death or trauma, it can feel like we have toppled to the edge of the world. Grief is the process that we need not rush or push away from.
When we are overcome with fear or rage or toxic hatred, we can come to the edge of our ground, our true center. We can lose power. We may lose stability. We might lose the certainty that we’ve carefully crafted to stay safe.
Then there are edges that may not be recognized as edges at all. The edge of work and commitment can have steep shadow cliffs: addiction, hyper-focus at the expense of others, hardness of heart.
The edge of love, compassion and connection can degenerate into over-investment, burnout, resentment or codependence.
The edge of having to face our own blindness and mistakes, when they are made known to us, can challenge our hard work of recovery and can bring us down with old inward messages from past neglect or abuse.
We come to this dangerous edge when we experience or even passively contribute to violence, disrespect, or deceit. Shame is often on this cliff, and it can be dangerous⎯especially if we have betrayed or failed another ourselves.
We cannot always fix the situation.
But here is the greatest edge: to honor the attempt to repair and whatever response we get, without succumbing to the toxicity of self-contempt if it doesn't succeed.
We do the best we can with the other and ourselves. It takes courage and tender self-regard, which is quite different from self-pity. We may not see the results at first, or ever. But it is a critical edge in healing. The edge of any failure can be a worthy gift. And goodness, as humans, we may fail in so many ways in life.
We practice. We rest. We practice again. We forgive ourselves with honesty, humor, grace...and some respect for ourselves and the struggle. When we stand at the edge, we are at the threshold of change, whether we like it or not.
This edge is where we grow. Where possibility for compassion and kindness lie--and even joy.
Life is uncertain. There is no doubt about that.
Recovery and the edge of growth are about setting ourselves free.
Thankfully, it is a lifelong process.
-Mikele Rauch
